Full transcript
00:00Intro
COLD OPEN — [EXT. EMPTY FIELD / DIRT ROAD — GOLDEN HOUR]
Tiny dachshund puppy in an oversized white shirt, head buried in a discarded tin can.
He lifts his head, licks his lips.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) Yummy…
He laps from a muddy puddle.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) Water dirty… Me drink anyway.
SFX: thunder. Rain starts.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) Oh no!
He scrambles into a cardboard box.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) I have home today…
Inside the box, shivering.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) So cold…
Close on his face — looking up, small.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) (tiny) …Somebody? Please…
Two humans lean over the box, hands over their mouths.
PUPPY JAY(V.O.) Please be nice…
Cut: puppy on a clean car back seat.
Music swells. TITLE CARD: YEARS LATER
01:40Gotcha QuestionINT. KITCHEN — BREAKFAST TABLE
Everyone is calmly eating cereal. Peaceful, cozy morning. Spoon clinks. Birds chirp.
PUPPY JAY(softly, looking around) Mom… Dad… Dad… Mom… Am I… …adopted?
SFX: VIOLENT SPIT TAKE — synchronized milk spray from both sides.
Daddy and Mommy freeze, stunned. Milk drips down their chins.
Doxie Din drops his spoon, glares at Puppy Jay… barks once… and walks away without a word.
JINGLE
01:49INT. STUDIO — CLOSE-UP ON PUPPY JAY
PUPPY JAY(to camera, a little dramatic) I think my parents are hiding something! Am I adopted? I mean — Dad and I are basically identical. Honestly… we’re almost genetic twins! But there’s one thing… One undeniable, genetically-coded difference: I don’t like rock music! Din loves it. Dad loves it. They even have a band — “Dachshund Sabbath.” Even Mommy loves it! And that’s not taste! That’s DNA! I’m done living in mystery! I’m going to find out… who my real parents are!
screen glitches, video distorts
jingle starts — glitched, with static and distortion
02:53Dinanimus Says Don'tINT. STUDIO — GLITCH BEGINS
PUPPY JAY(alarmed) What’s happening? Why is everything glitching?!
DINANIMUS(voice distorted, calm) It’s me, Dinanimus! Most wanted hacker in the world. Don’t try to trace me, you won’t succeed!
PUPPY JAY(sighs, annoyed) Dinanimus… you really have the worst timing.
DINANIMUS Puppy Jay… I’ve supported you since day one. I’ve sent you exclusive leaks — I stepped into the shadows — so you could stand in the spotlight. But this? This is different.
On-screen: home video footage — baby Puppy Jay, family moments, Doxie Din teaching him to dig.
DINANIMUS(softly) You were loved. From the very beginning. By your parents… By your brilliant, legendary, and objectively handsome brother — Doxie Din. Why dig up something… that might break all of that?
PUPPY JAY(quietly) Because… I need to know! Even if it hurts!
PUPPY JAY(firm) Sorry, Dinanimus. I’m calling Vicky Licky.
DINANIMUS(low) Then brace yourself.
03:37Zoom with Vicky
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY Hey Vicky Licky! How are you… You know… after that trip into the Tomb of Anubark? If you missed that — check the top right corner now!
VICKY LICKY(smiling) All good now! I’m officially cleared for journalism. So… any updates on my trip to Romania? To interview Count Barkula?
PUPPY JAY(brightening) Actually great news! This week we got SEVEN new sponsors! Huge thank-you to: doeMSfox, Elves V., Catherine H., Bradley P., Inna Z., Hannelore S., and Verawnika! You legends got us closer than ever!
VICKY LICKY(to camera) Dear viewers! Please support Sunday Puppy Jay on Patreon so Jay can send me to Transylvania to film a very special interview episode — with Count Barkula himself! Just look at the hunger in his eyes… the Count is thirsting for this interview!
Cutaway: Barkula appears, in his castle, dramatic lighting.
BARKULA(earnest, with accent) I truly hope you reach your goal and come to me for this interview. I would support you myself… but… I have no credit card. The bank fees… they bite!
PUPPY JAY We’re just 73 away from our goal! Wanna this interview — support us! QR codes — on screen, links — in the description!
VICKY LICKY(squints) But… my journalistic instinct tells me that’s not the real reason you called me today?
PUPPY JAY You’re right. I have a mission for you. I want you to find out who my parents really are!
VICKY LICKY(alarmed) You want me to follow them? Are they involved in something shady?
PUPPY JAY No. I mean… I don’t think… they’re my real parents!
VICKY LICKY(blinking) Wow. That’s unexpected! At first glance, you do look alike… But… you’re the only one in the family who doesn’t love rock music — not like Doxie Din… or your dad… or even your mom… The more I think about it — the more your suspicions start to make sense!
PUPPY JAY(loud, triumphant) YES! THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!
VICKY LICKY(nodding) Alright! I’ll take the case! And there’s only one reliable way to solve this: a full genetic test.
JINGLE
05:54Operation: OriginsEXT. GENETIC LAB — DAY
Vicky stands outside a sleek, mysterious-looking lab.
VICKY LICKY(to camera) I’m standing outside a cutting-edge genetics lab where very soon we’ll uncover the truth about Puppy Jay’s origins… Who is he really?
She turns confidently and walks toward the entrance.
SFX: futuristic door swish
06:02INT. LAB
A scientist peers into a microscope. Turns as door opens.
VICKY LICKY(to camera) Today’s mission brings us face-to-face with one of the greatest minds in modern genetics: Dr. Barkovitz — renowned scientist, author of “Genes & Barks” and my former genetics professor at the College of Journalism.
DR. BARKOVITZ(calm, curious) Ah, greetings, young lady. How may I assist you?
VICKY LICKY I’m investigating a case involving Puppy Jay. We’re trying to determine… if he’s adopted.
DR. BARKOVITZ(nodding) I see. I can help you with that. Did you bring any genetic material?
VICKY LICKY(blinks) …That might’ve slipped my mind.
She turns to camera, serious.
VICKY LICKY Puppy Jay! We need a genetic sample: Hair or saliva. Hurry!
06:41INT. APARTMENT — SNEAKY SKETCH SEQUENCE
Puppy Jay stealthily climbs onto the bed, pokes a cotton swab into a snoring Daddy’s mouth.
PUPPY JAY(whispers) Science!
06:52INT. LAB — 5 MINUTES LATER
VICKY LICKY(hands over sample) Professor, here’s the DNA! Tell me… is he the father?
DR. BARKOVITZ(confused) Father of who?
VICKY LICKY Of Puppy Jay, of course!
DR. BARKOVITZ Well… Then I’ll also need Puppy Jay’s DNA.
VICKY LICKY(facepalm) Oh no… How did I miss that?
07:10INT. APARTMENT — ANOTHER FAST SKETCH
Puppy Jay dramatically spits in a test tube with heroic music.
07:10INT. LAB — 5 MINUTES LATER
VICKY LICKY(handing over second sample) There. This must be everything.
DR. BARKOVITZ Yes. I can now proceed with the analysis. Come back in a few hours for the results.
VICKY LICKY Thank you, Doc.
She turns to camera, resolute.
VICKY LICKY(serious) We’re closer than ever to the truth. Now… all we can do is wait.
Cut to PUPPY JAY in the studio — close-up, quiet tone
PUPPY JAY(to camera) Alright folks… moment of truth coming up. Let me know in the comments: do you think he’s really my dad? (pause — softer, reflective tone)
PUPPY JAY(softly) I’m trying to find answers… in my past. But every time I reach for the truth… it slips away…
1–2 second insert: baby Puppy Jay footage — blurry, cozy, nostalgic
Brief swell of emotional underscore
JINGLE
07:27Truth Loading…INT. GENETIC LAB — LATER
07:44The Zero-Dox Genome
Vicky and Puppy Jay stand across from Dr. Barkovitz, who holds a clipboard. Dramatic pause.
VICKY LICKY(to camera, serious) Some time has passed since we submitted the samples. And now… Dr. Barkovitz says the results are in.
DR. BARKOVITZ(intense) We found something. Something big! I have two pieces of news — and one of them… might change everything.
VICKY LICKY One good and one bad?
DR. BARKOVITZ No… One bad… and one absolutely fantastic!
Vicky turns to Puppy Jay — live on video link.
VICKY LICKY Puppy Jay… This is all about you. Which one do you want to hear first?
PUPPY JAY(grim) Always start with the bad news!
VICKY LICKY You heard him, Doc.
DR. BARKOVITZ(carefully) Puppy Jay… I have to tell you something… Your dad… is not your biological father. Your DNA profiles are nearly identical — over 95% match. But… You’re missing a key gene! The gene… for a deep, instinctive love of heavy rock music!
Dramatic zoom on Vicky.
VICKY LICKY(gasps) WHAT A TWIST!
PUPPY JAY(panicked) Oh no! I’m gonna need an emergency session with Dr. Pawsitive! What could possibly count as good news after that?!
DR. BARKOVITZ(leans forward) Puppy Jay… the fantastic news is — I’ve spent my entire life searching…
VICKY LICKY(eyes widening) My journalistic instinct tells me… we’re about to witness something historic.
DR. BARKOVITZ(growing more animated) When I was just a young pup… I attended a lecture that changed my life forever! It was delivered by a brilliant archaeologist — a true legend. He said… what if all modern life — dogs and humans — didn’t descend from apes… but from a single, ancient dachshund?
PUPPY JAY(dry) Yes, I know it. This is theory of my dad… I mean non-biological father…. So What?
Quick cut: dramatic animation of a glowing dachshund skeleton turning into humans.
DR. BARKOVITZ(voice trembling) Since that moment… I’ve searched the world for a genetic match. For The dachshund! The first of its kind — The zero-dox!
VICKY LICKY And what does Puppy Jay have to do with it?
DR. BARKOVITZ It sounds impossible — but Puppy Jay carries what I’ve been searching for: the original, ancient genome. The Zero-Dox genome! In other words… Puppy Jay may be the genetic ancestor of all modern dachshunds… humans… and possibly all life on Earth!
PUPPY JAY(shrieks) WHAAAAAAT?!
VICKY LICKY(blinks) Doc — how is that even possible?
DR. BARKOVITZ I’m as baffled as you are! The progenitor dachshund should’ve lived at least five million years ago! This… defies logic!
PUPPY JAY Are you saying I’m… five million years old?!
DR. BARKOVITZ There must be a rational explanation! And I intend to find it!
Vicky turns slowly to camera, her voice quiet but intense.
VICKY LICKY(shaky laugh) Okay… that’s a lot… My head is spinning from all these revelations! I need some fresh air… (pause — she grabs her microphone and tablet)
VICKY LICKY(to camera, steady) One mystery solved… unlocks a hundred more. The deeper we dig, the stranger reality beco… What?!
A bright light bursts from the sky; Vicky’s fur starts to rise.
PUPPY JAY(off-screen, distant) Vicky?! What’s going on out there?!
VICKY LICKY(flat) I think it’s… a UFO! They’re abducting me!
PUPPY JAY I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ANYMORE!
JINGLE
10:29Wait… UFO?!INT. SPACESHIP
DARK ROOM, DRAMATIC LIGHT
A sack is pulled off Vicky Licky’s head. Her ears pop up.
VICKY LICKY(blinks) Okay… looks like I’ve been abducted by aliens. Even my journalistic instinct didn’t see this coming!
ALIEN(serious) You know too much about Puppy Jay. We’ll have to erase your memory to protect the secret of his origin!
VICKY LICKY(excited) Wow! You have a memory eraser?! That would make an amazing segment! I’m ready — go ahead and wipe! And uh… could you also erase my ex?
ALIEN(confused) Segment? What are you talking about?
VICKY LICKY(gesturing) We’re broadcasting live! On Sunday Puppy Jay channel…
ALIEN(alarmed) WHAT?!
He spins around — sees a dachshund camera operator behind a RED cam.
CAMERA GUY(calm) Just pretend I’m not here.
ALIEN How did no one notice the camera guy?!
VICKY LICKY(shrugs) They teach that in journalism school! Now, Mr. Alien — what exactly are you trying so hard to hide about Puppy Jay’s origins?
ALIEN(sighs) Alright. I’ll tell you everything. We’ll erase your memories afterward anyway. The truth is… we created Puppy Jay from the genetic samples of the very first dachshunds — collected five million years ago on our first trip to Earth.
VICKY LICKY(wide-eyed) Was he meant to be some kind of weapon?
ALIEN(offended) No! We just really liked Doxie Din’s videos! And back in 2020, when we briefly abducted him…
VICKY LICKY(remembering) Wait… I know this story! Doxie Din shared it in one of his videos… If you haven’t seen it — you can watch it now by clicking the link in the top right corner!
ALIEN(nodding) Correct. That was us! He had a rare illness — we fixed him up! But… he looked so lonely… So… we made him a little brother!
VICKY LICKY Okay, that’s kind of sweet! But why cover it up?
ALIEN(uncertain) Our ultra-intelligent AI said we should that revealing the truth would cause a full-scale intergalactic puppy panic… Maybe we should double-check.
Alien pulls out phone. Taps. Screen: “ChatGPT” opens.
AI(friendly) Hello! How can I help today?
ALIEN Why are we hiding Puppy Jay’s origins if we didn’t do anything wrong?
AI Oh! You’re totally right. I might’ve slightly… misinterpreted the data… There’s no reason to hide anything. Everything’s fine!
ALIEN(suddenly panicked) Wait—WHAT?! You made this up?! What else did you lie about?! Don’t tell me… I didn’t have to leave my wife?!
AI(cheerful, unbothered) Oh… Yeah. That was a metaphor.
ALIEN Oh no!
ALIEN runs away.
VICKY LICKY(to camera, dry) Turns out… even aliens with hyper-advanced technology can’t stop their AI from hallucinating. So yeah — always double-check your facts. Because everybody lies! Even AI!
VICKY LICKY This is Vicky Licky — reporting live from an alien spaceship, for Sunday Puppy Jay. Back to you, Puppy Jay! And I’ll go look for an exit.
13:56Emergency Therapy
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY(exhausted) Hello, Doctor Pawsitive… So… I took a genetic test… and turns out my parents aren’t my biological parents! and also, I was grown in a space jar by aliens from dachshund DNA collected five million years ago. Which technically makes me… the ancestor of my own parents. And since I don’t have any other parents… that still makes them my only real ones!
DR. PAWSITIVE(nodding) Ooooh… I can feel it already… This is going to be a looooong session…
14:35Final Bark
PUPPY JAY(nods, weary but sincere) I think so too, Doc! (pause — smiles to camera)
PUPPY JAY And for everyone else… don’t forget — send in videos of your pets to my email. They might be featured in the next episode! My name is Puppy Jay — and I’ll see you next Sunday!
OUTRO JINGLE