Full transcript
00:00IntroEXT. HOLLYWOOF MARINA — DAY
Palm trees, sunshine, yachts. A dachshund in full tourist gear — tiny Hawaiian shirt, heart-shaped sunglasses, a half-deflated pool float around his middle — bolts down the boardwalk, screaming.
VACATIONER DOG(shrieking) WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE’RE ALL GONNA—
Whip-pan to VICKY LICKY on the shore, mic in paw, calm as a glacier. Chaos behind her.
VICKY LICKY(to camera, crisp) This is Vicky Licky with breaking news from the Hollywoof Marina. A private yacht just docked in the harbor — and its entire crew may be infected… with the zombie virus.
VICKY LICKY(lowering her voice, grave) Eyewitnesses report — and I quote — “zombie sounds are coming from the yacht’s toilet.” Meanwhile, the authorities are saying nothing — their only response: handing every resident one of these protective suits… I’ll stay live on the scene with updates — but for now, over to our host, Puppy Jay.
SFX: a low, wet, gurgling GROAN rolls in across the water.
Cut to PUPPY JAY at his desk — slouched, chin in paw, deeply unimpressed, staring flatly at the monitor.
PUPPY JAY(dry and world-weary — until the suit gets to him) I never thought we’d be running trashy tabloid news like this on our show. But these days — how else do you compete on YouTube? Anyway. I’ve invited the top survival expert in the world. They say he— (the protective suit is choking him) …no. I can’t even breathe in this outfit!! I’ll save it for the real apocalypse!
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY Okay — no suit. Much better. Take two. I’ve invited the top survival expert in the world… They say he sleeps without a pillow, even without his mommy. He’s never tangled in his leash. He doesn’t bark at mirrors. And he walks past the vet like it’s no big deal. Please welcome… Bark Grylls.
01:01Survival with Bark Grylls
BARK Puppy Jay. You ready to survive?
PUPPY JAY So be honest with me… Do I even stand a chance if the zombie apocalypse breaks out?
BARK(pauses, glances off-camera) Okay. You’re a dachshund. Short legs, long body, zero discipline. (pause) So if we’re being real — your odds aren’t great. But! Survival’s not about muscle. It’s about mindset. Rule number one: stay quiet. Zombies hunt by sound. So… clip your nails.
PUPPY JAY(horrified) Oh no, anything but that.
BARK Yep, and you better start now. Clip them at least every two weeks. If the apocalypse hits out of nowhere, you need to be ready. Short nails mean silence and strong, healthy paws.
PUPPY JAY All right, if that’s what it takes to survive, I’m ready to lick peanut butter off Daddy’s head twice a month while he clips my nails. The price of heroism.
PUPPY JAY Okay, but what if we don’t hide? What if we fight back? Grab a shotgun — like Ash from Evil Dead — jump on the counter at the supermarket and scream: “This is my world, rotbags! I’m a dachshund — and I’ve come for you!”
BARK(deadpan) Easy there, Puppy Jay. Unless you live in Texas — you probably don’t have a basement stocked with guns, ammo, and a flamethrower your grandma gave you for Christmas.
PUPPY JAY(deflated) Well, I do have a water gun, and it glows in the dark, and squeaks when it runs out. Premium model!
BARK Not bad. If zombies fear LED lights — you’re safe.
PUPPY JAY So… I’m doomed?
BARK I don’t think so. You’re not a Doberman — you don’t need to charge into battle. But your show brings people together. You’ve built a community. You’re the heart of it — and you’re a leader. And that’s survival rule number two — stick with the pack.
PUPPY JAY(slowly smiling) Pack, huh? Sounds like the perfect moment to remind you — you can join my pack right now by becoming a sponsor! Thank you, Icy and Jason F. — you’ve officially joined the pack. We’re now just 69 Sponsors away from our goal — and the moment we hit it, I can finally send my reporter Vicky Licky to interview a legendary vampire — Count Barkula! Let’s stick together — support the show via the QR codes on screen, or the links in the description. Thanks, Bark! If the zombie apocalypse hits — we stick together! But for now… Vicky Licky says she’s got something new from the marina.
04:07Patient ZeroEXT. HOLLYWOOF MARINA — DAY
VICKY LICKY at the shore, a drone controller in her paws, eyes locked on a monitor.
VICKY LICKY(to camera, low and tense) The harbor patrol won’t go near the yacht. So Sunday Puppy Jay is going in… with a drone!
DRONE POV: the camera lifts off, glides low over the water toward the yacht, and sweeps across the deck — landing on a single dachshund sprawled flat on the boards.
VICKY LICKY(whisper) There…
The drone drops to a CLOSE-UP. The dachshund is on his back. Tongue out. Motionless. Just… lying there. Blank.
VICKY LICKY(grave) Watch… He’s not moving… This… could be patient zero!
SFX: the dachshund’s leg twitches — a faint, wet GROAN.
VICKY LICKY(snapping to camera, urgent) Okay — cutting the feed. Any more of this and YouTube hits us with an R rating — and we are a family show! Wait — why is the feed glitching? I said CUT the feed, not GLITCH the feed…
04:37Hack from Dinanimus
The feed rips into static and distortion — then hard-cuts to the studio, Puppy Jay and Bark, the picture still glitching.
DINANIMUS(glitched voice) Yeah… it’s me. Dinanimus. Most wanted hacker in the world. Don’t try to trace me, you won’t succeed. Puppy Jay, you’re digging deeper than I expected. And now, I’ve got something you must show the world. The zombie toys. They might already be here, and they’re coming for us. To take revenge for everything. Brace yourself.
04:57Zombie ToysInsert: video of zombie toys
PUPPY JAY(panicking, escalating) Oh, come on, Dinanimus — everyone knows you can’t trust any video these days. Anything could be AI! And besides — you’re a hacker! You’d know exactly how this stuff gets faked. Right? …Right?
07:31Interview with a Zombie
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY Science knows nothing about zombies — because zombies don’t exist. So this investigation would’ve hit a dead end… if not for the science of art! No one’s studied zombies better than cinema. Today, I have an exclusive guest in the studio — an actor who’s spent the last ten years as a background zombie in horror movies!
Camera pulls back — a zombie sits next to Puppy Jay on a chain.
PUPPY JAY Welcome, Mr. Zombie Supporting Actor. Thank you for being here.
ZOMBIE (growls)
PUPPY JAY Have you ever bitten a dachshund?
ZOMBIE (growls)
PUPPY JAY Seems our guest isn’t much of a talker today… Good thing I saw this coming. First question — who would you bite? A human… or… a small, sensitive, slightly dramatic dachshund?
ZOMBIE (growls… lunges toward the sign marked “Human”)
PUPPY JAY(satisfied) Ha! Perfect. Dachshunds — not his taste. We’re off to a good start.
PUPPY JAY Okay, next one’s trickier. Think… or scroll?
ZOMBIE (freezes. Inhales deeply. Reaches toward the “Phone” sign with both hands…)
PUPPY JAY(dryly) Predictable… (Zombie starts trying to swipe the paper sign. Pause. He tilts his head, confused… Then snarls, tears it apart, and breaks off the chain.)
CAMERA B GUY(off) Not me! Not me! NO!!!!!
Camera shakes violently. Cut to Puppy Jay — completely calm.
PUPPY JAY(to camera) Wow. Someone give this guy an Oscar! That’s gotta be the Stanislavski method. (pause) …And — wow. I had no idea Camera B guy could run that fast. (beat — Jay glances at his phone) Oh — I’m getting a message from Vicky Licky.
09:03FALSE ALARMEXT. HOLLYWOOF MARINA — LATER
VICKY LICKY, mic in paw, the yacht calm behind her.
VICKY LICKY(to camera, deadpan) Update on the great harbor zombie outbreak. It’s over! Turns out the “infected crew” was — and I quote — “a bachelor party.” They drank way too much toilet water. And the “zombie sounds”? One very seasick poodle — groaning into the toilet all afternoon.
Behind her, the “patient zero” dachshund from the deck staggers down the gangway, clutching his head, deeply hungover.
VICKY LICKY(small sigh, then pro mode) Unfortunately, the military airlifted the entire crew out — on helicopters marked with a biohazard symbol — so we couldn’t get a comment… But the authorities assure us everything is fine, and the citizens of Hollywoof can sleep soundly. But I’m not sure I’ll ever close my eyes again… This has been Vicky Licky, reporting for Sunday Puppy Jay. Back to you, Puppy Jay.
Cut to studio — Puppy Jay, calm.
PUPPY JAY Well… I’ve come to a clear conclusion: We’re not in danger! Because zombies don’t exist! They never have, and they never will — it’s just a cinematic metaphor for consumer society. We are perfectly safe! I repeat — nothing to worry about!!!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD: SEVERAL YEARS LATER
09:48Final BarkEXT. RUINS
grey, ash in the air. PUPPY JAY (chroma key) crouched in the wreckage, filming himself. Optional stock-footage cutaway: shambling figures in the distance.
10:09Post Credit
PUPPY JAY(hoarse whisper — throughout) If you’re watching this… you’re still alive. I’m only still here because of — Bark Grylls, Dinanimus… …And the suit I almost threw away. So… Clip your nails. Stay quiet. Stick with your pack. And never use an LED water gun against zombies… Not even the zombie toys… Super ineffective! If you’ve still got internet — prove you’re not a zombie. Leave a comment! Wish me a happy birthday. June 25. If I make it… Become a Sponsor — it’s the only currency left. My name is Puppy Jay… and I’ll see you next Sunday. (beat) …I hope.
FINAL JINGLE