Full transcript
00:00Intro
PUPPY JAY A few days ago — I turned six years old! It was a blast: presents, cake, and… toilet water. Way too much toilet water… I don’t think anyone but me is showing up to work today… So I’m just gonna sit back and watch all the birthday wishes you sent me. And we’ll start with… a very special one. It’s super personal. Because I recorded it myself. Here it is: “From Jay — to Jay.” “Do not open until…” Ugh — terrible handwriting. But so heartfelt… When I made this, I was just three months old. So naive. So full of dreams. Honestly… it’s a little scary. What if I was cuter back then? Okay. Let’s do this.
00:22Message From Baby Jay
BABY JAY Hi, big me! If you’re watching this… it means you’re really big now! Or maybe… super old. I don’t know — I’m still little, and I’m really bad at math. Dates are hard! And people years… dog years… so confusing. But I know one thing: You’re definitely handsome!
00:55Dream #1: Become Smart
PUPPY JAY(panicking) NO WAY! That’s me?! Why was I so cute and fluffy?! Look at that face — not a single gray hair on that beard! Oh no… I have aged! I’m not Puppy Jay. I’m Grandpa Jay.
PUPPY JAY(sighs) Okay… maybe there’s still something good in here.
He presses play. The video continues.
BABY JAY I have dreams! And I hope that I… well, that you… or maybe we… already made them come true by now. First dream. I love living with my family — they’re so kind and caring. But also sooo smart… I don’t always understand what they’re saying. So I want to get an education! Learn to count and write! So Mommy, Daddy, and Din can be proud of me.
PUPPY JAY Oh my gosh, I’m gonna cry. Why are you so pure and adorable?! (deep breath — sits up straight) Well, I can count and write. I speak multiple languages. And in school, I was top of my class. I’m so smart, I even know the real answer to “two plus two times two.” Spoiler: it’s six. So Baby Jay… Dream number one — checked.
02:33Dream #2: Fit Into Din’s Clothes
BABY JAY Second dream! I hope… we got bigger. ’Cause right now… Din’s clothes soooo big to me. I want them to fit one day! Din has cool clothes. Super cool. I wanna wear them too. For parties. Or… dates. Maybe.
PUPPY JAY Ohhh… I don’t want to break your heart, little me… But this clip holding up my outfit? Yeah — it’s not for fashion. Maybe it’s genetics. Or maybe it’s because teenage me ate too much junk food off the floor. I never quite caught up to Din’s size. I’m only half his weight. Just four and a half kilograms. Or… ten pounds! (pause) So I’m sorry, Baby Jay… It makes me sad too. Din really does have top-tier drip.
03:22Dream #3: Global Fame
BABY JAY And the last dream, the biggest one! I want to show the whole world what dachshunds are made of! I wanna prove that even a tiny puppy can change the world. I really hope we’ve made it big… Like, at least a Diamond YouTube Play Button… Or an Oscar… Or maybe… a Grammy. (dreamily) Or even just a nomination. But only if we get to go on stage… So the whole world can see us.
03:49Crisis Mode: Activated
PUPPY JAY Why would you do this to me, Baby Jay… I haven’t done any of that. Now I feel like a total loser! I wasted my life: I didn’t grow up! I didn’t go global! And my chin… is gray. Puppy Jay is not supposed to have a gray chin!!! That’s it. I’m done watching. Thanks a lot, Baby Jay… You officially ruined my mood. Ugh… and you’re so cute, I can’t even be mad at you. AAAHHHHH!!! I’m just mad at myself…
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY I need help. Emotional… or maybe even… vet help. I wanted to call Dr. Pawsitive… But I burned through all my free sessions… and after the office party, there’s zero cash left in the budget… Looks like I’ve got only one option left — Esoteric support. From someone who charges way less than a therapist… but whose nose is sharper than the Hubble Telescope. A certified interpreter of fate — and definitely not a scammer — Professor Pawstradamus!
04:37Cosmic Wisdom
PAWSTRADAMUS Puppy Jay… the stars whispered your name last week. A powerful cosmic surge — clearly, your birthday. You may be a year older… but cosmically, you’re still just a puppy.
PUPPY JAY Thank you, Professor! Tell me… Will anything good happen to me this July?
PAWSTRADAMUS Of course. Let’s see what the stars are saying. Cancer. The astrologers proclaim: it’s the Month of Cancer. Luck will follow you all July — and yes, the stars foresee a lot of views and new Patrons.
PUPPY JAY Yeah, so cool!
PAWSTRADAMUS Support Puppy Jay on Patreon. QR code is on the screen and the link is in the description.
PAWSTRADAMUS(closing words) And remember — none of this was scripted, biased, or influenced by Puppy Jay. The stars simply… have excellent taste. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
PUPPY JAY(sighs) Wow… That horoscope for July… Felt like a hug from the universe. Maybe I’m not hopeless after all. And you know what? I got so caught up in that time capsule… I completely forgot — there are still tons of birthday messages from you, my viewers. Let’s play them now.
JINGLE
06:02Messages From You ❤️Insert: The birthday messages from viewers begin to play
MATT H. Hey, Puppy Jay. It’s your friend Matt here! I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you a very special sixth birthday today! Rock on, my friend!
VIEWER Puppy Jay, happy birthday. I hacked the calendar to make sure it’s today. Enjoy the cake. And yes, even the Darknet’s talking about your show. I’m so proud of you.
VIEWER Wishing you a happy birthday, Puppy Jay from Mouse and all her critter buddies.
VIEWER Happy birthday, Puppy Jay. Your personal growth curve just broke resistance. Very few assets ever do!
06:45Insert: Quick-fire birthday shout-outs
VIEWER Happy birthday, Puppy Jay! Stop working and come play!
VIEWER Hey, Puppy Jay. Happy birthday! Be happy. Live long and prosper!
VIEWER Happy birthday, Puppy Jay!
VIEWER Puppy Jay, happy birthday!
PUPPY JAY(moved) Oh, wow. Thank you guys. You’re amazing. Thank you. Truly. Since we mostly talk online, I sometimes forget how many wonderful people actually surround me. Sure, my new show isn’t pulling in as many views yet as the silent sketches Din and I used to make… but so many of you love it, and it’s only getting better — I can feel it! So no. I’m not a loser. And you know what… I think I’m ready now. Ready to finish watching that Baby Jay video.
07:33The Final Video From Baby Jay
BABY JAY And… last thing. I really hope these TEN years of your life were full of joy and love. Happy birthday, old me. And good luck!
PUPPY JAY(whispers) Wait… TEN years?! Are you serious? I just turned six!
PUPPY JAY(jumps up) Wait — could it be I just couldn’t read my own terrible handwriting on the capsule… and cracked it open WAY earlier than I was supposed to?! Ha! (laughs) So that means I still have time! Phew. I can press pause on the whole “life achievement” thing and take a couple days off. Sometimes you need to slow down… to really enjoy life.
08:26Final Bark
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY So yeah… Baby Jay has big dreams for me. Grammys, Oscars, a Diamond Play Button, universal fame… But I can’t get there without your help! So if you wanna give me the best birthday present ever — become a sponsor. Let’s give a big welcome to Kyle C., Heather S. and Taksa Frosya — And thank you, Juan A., for upgrading your tier! Right now, we’re on our way to our season goal: 100 new sponsors! Once we hit that goal — I’ll be able to film an interview with a real, live vampire! (aside) QR codes are on the screen and the links are in the description. And don’t forget to send in videos of your pets to my email — they might be featured in the next episode! My name is Puppy Jay. And I’ll see you next Sunday. Mmm, toilet water, seaside edition.