Full transcript
00:00Intro
PUPPY JAY floating in a donut-shaped floaty, surrounded by water.
PUPPY JAY How many dachshunds have been eaten by sharks? Nobody knows. So statistically… it never happens! Nothing can possibly go wroooooooong!
CHOMP — he’s swallowed instantly.
JINGLE
00:15Shark Takes OverINT. UNDERWATER STUDIO
SHARK sits at the desk, slightly annoyed.
SHARK Oh — you’re already here. Huh. Jay invited me for Shark Week Special… but it’s been 28 seconds and he’s still not here. And Jay? He’s never late for breakfast… or for Sunday Puppy Jay. This is… suspicious. Let’s try calling him.
BLOOP — underwater FaceTime opens.
SHARK Jay, are you okay?
PUPPY JAY(muffled, slightly echoey) Hey, Shark. Uh… I think I got eaten. It’s kind of… squishy in here. I’m okay… just trying to decide — should I crawl out the front… or the back? Mind covering for me while I work my way out? I’ll be back soon.
SHARK No, Jay! I have another job today! …Oh. He hung up. Ugh — sorry for the mix-up, guys. Anyway — you’re watching Sunday Puppy Jay. And don’t worry about the shark — I’m your friend.
Comment appears: “Don’t worry about shark, I’m your friend.”
SHARK Now, while it’s Shark Week up on the surface — down here, it’s Human Week. A time to bust the myths about your so-called bloodthirstiness. Since Puppy Jay left me holding the mic… I now invite you to our special underwater trivia! And now… it’s time to start the show. So dive in!
JINGLE
01:17JAWPARDY!INT. UNDERWATER STUDIO
SHARK now in full host mode, three shark contestants at podiums.
SHARK You’ve made it to the bottom. The pressure’s real. And the competition? Brutal. Welcome to Jawpardy! This game is proudly sponsored by DeepSure Insurance — “DeepSure: coverage for everything… except stupidity.” Playing with us tonight: At podium one — the terror of trade routes and shipping lanes, winner of the tournament before last… Captain Jawbeard!
JAWBEARD I didn’t swim this far to lose! Arrrrrrh!
SHARK At podium three — hard-working, hard-headed, and last game’s reigning champ… Billy Hardshark!
BILLY Let’s keep it simple. Buzz. Answer. Win.
SHARK And at the center podium — a three-time champion, culinary purist and critic of questionable toppings, and proud owner of three Michelin fins… Salty MacShark!
MACSHARK I hope the questions are not… undercooked.
SHARK Let’s see what categories we have lined up for today’s game. They’re all up there! Treats — the most delicious category on the board. Science — because we’re too smart not to believe in it. Pets — a category Puppy Jay insisted we include. Health — because you fragile creatures need it. Alright — let’s begin. MacShark, you’re up first.
MACSHARK Let’s start with Treats for 300.
SHARK And that’s a video question from one of our surface viewers! Welcome Barktender!
Cut to BARKTENDER, behind the bar.
BARKTENDER Greetings, deep-sea geniuses. Today’s question is: What kind of water can’t be found in the world’s oceans, but is served at almost every bar on land?
MACSHARK(buzzes in) Why is there a water question in the Treats category?
SHARK Because some liquids are treats on the surface. Even plain water can be dessert if you add a little marketing. Ready to answer?
MACSHARK I’m guessing… sparkling water?
SHARK That is correct!
MACSHARK Treats for 200!
SHARK Why do humans add salt to their food?
MACSHARK(buzzes in) Obviously, because the air isn’t salty and salt boosts the flavor.
SHARK Correct!
MACSHARK Treats for 100!
SHARK Who are vegetarians?
MACSHARK(buzzes in) People who… only eat plants? (wrinkles his nose) So basically… grass sharks.
JAWBEARD I once tried seaweed. Nearly lost me lunch. ARRRRRR!!!!
BILLY Plants? That’s not food — that’s furniture.
SHARK Technically correct — humans who avoid meat.
MACSHARK Treats for 400!
SHARK Which dish has divided humanity into two camps?
MACSHARK(buzzes in) Obviously the most disgusting one… pineapple pizza!
JAWBEARD How can anyone say such blasphemy? Arrrgh!
BILLY Pineapple on pizza? That’s just wrong.
MACSHARK Finally, some culture around here.
SHARK And that’s the fourth correct answer in a row! Isn’t that a perfect time for a commercial break?
04:12How’s Puppy Jay?
Shark calls Puppy Jay.
JINGLE
SHARK Puppy Jay, you almost there? Because if you don’t show up before the episode ends, no one’s gonna tune in next week.
PUPPY JAY(muffled, struggling) Yeah, yeah! Almost out! Keep the show going for me a little longer!
04:25Round Two: Shark Logic
JINGLE
SHARK And now — a quick reminder from today’s sponsor! DeepSure Insurance — we’re here when others float belly-up! Alright, we have a clear leader so far. Can anyone stop them? Let’s keep going. MacShark, you’re up!
MACSHARK I’ll take Pets for 300.
SHARK Which pet — besides sharks and some dachshunds — can actually talk like a human?
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) ARRR! My parrot talks like a human!
SHARK That’s correct!
JAWBEARD I’ll take Science for 400! Blimey!
SHARK What’s the result of 2 plus 2 times 2?
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) Eight! ARRRR!
SHARK Wrong!
MACSHARK(buzzes in) Of course it’s eight.
SHARK Wrong!
BILLY I did the math properly — it’s eight.
SHARK Still wrong! In math, multiplication and division come before addition and subtraction — it’s basic order of operations. And if you still don’t get it, Puppy Jay answered this exact question in one of his episodes. Link’s in the top right corner. MacShark, it’s your turn again.
MACSHARK Science for 100.
SHARK A person weighing 80 kilograms falls into the Gulf of Mexico. Assuming they’re fully submerged — what volume of water will they displace?
BILLY(buzzes in) The Gulf of Mexico! I was there back in ’99 — we were building a burger stand for a crab! Water’s a bit salty there — about 1.025 kilograms per liter. (takes out an abacus) Alright… 80 divided by 1.025… That’s roughly… 78 liters.
SHARK Absolutely correct!
BILLY Science for 300!
SHARK Here comes the question: In what year did the Titanic sink?
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) Feels like yesterday! ARRRR! Me crew tried to warn them about the iceberg but the orchestra was playing too loud! It was the night of April 15, 1912.
SHARK That’s… disturbingly accurate.
JAWBEARD Health for 400!
SHARK And that’s a video question from our expert in mental health: Dr. Pawsitive!
Cut to Dr. Pawsitive, holding up a photo of a crying human.
DR. PAWSITIVE Hello, sharks! I hope you’re feeling calm and focused today. Here’s your question: What is this human doing?
All sharks stare blankly at the screen.
MACSHARK(buzzes in) Um… probably cutting onions?
SHARK Nice try, but no — the human in the video isn’t cutting onions! The correct answer is: he’s crying. It’s actually a very important way for humans to deal with difficult emotions.
Wide shot: all the sharks exchange glances.
SHARK Looks like we’ve got a tie on the board! And that sounds like a perfect time for a commercial break!
07:14Puppy Jay is coming
JINGLE
SHARK Puppy Jay, the game’s almost over!
PUPPY JAY(muffled, echoey) Yeah, yeah! I can see the teeth already! Just give me five more minutes!
SHARK Just don’t try to exit through the gills. That… hurts.
07:25Final Round Panic
JINGLE
SHARK Alright! Time for the final round. Jawbeard, you’re up.
JAWBEARD Health for 300! ARRR!
SHARK Here’s your question: Why can’t humans breathe underwater?
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) ARRR! What do you mean can’t? I’ve seen ’em do it through those silly tubes all the time! I’ll bet a fin on it!
SHARK Fair enough. Let me rephrase — Why can’t humans breathe underwater without special equipment?
JAWBEARD Because they don’t have gills! Landlubber fools… tryin’ to swim with lungs! ARRR!
SHARK Correct!
JAWBEARD Pets for 100! ARRR!
SHARK And that’s a video question from our favorite survival expert, Bark Grylls!
Cut to Bark Grylls holding up a photo of Puppy Jay in a shark costume.
BARK GRYLLS Hello, sharks! Here’s your question: What is this dachshund wearing?
BILLY(buzzes in) That’s a work outfit! Probably trying to sneak onto a shark construction site!
SHARK Incorrect!
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) Clearly trying to blend in so no one eats ’em!
SHARK Also incorrect. It’s a life vest to prevent exhaustion while swimming.
JAWBEARD Exhaustion? From swimming? What are they made of — jellyfish?
BILLY Try swimming through a rip current with a toolbox in your mouth.
MACSHARK Pathetic…
SHARK Alright then. MacShark, your pick.
MACSHARK Pets for 200.
SHARK Here’s your question: Which animal was the first to live alongside humans as a companion?
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) Parrot!
SHARK Incorrect.
JAWBEARD ARRR!
MACSHARK(buzzes in) I’ll guess… dogs. The only creatures desperate enough to live with someone who puts pineapple on pizza.
SHARK That is correct!
MACSHARK Let’s go with Health for 100.
SHARK Why do humans brush their teeth every day?
All the sharks glance at each other, confused. Time runs out.
SHARK Because humans only get one set of teeth for their entire life.
The sharks all react with horrified comments.
JAWBEARD That’s brutal.
BILLY One set? I’d be scared to bite anything.
MACSHARK No replacements? That’s… unacceptable.
SHARK Let’s keep going. MacShark, you’re up again.
MACSHARK Health for 200.
SHARK What’s the primary function of clothing for humans?
MACSHARK(buzzes in) To attract a mate during breeding season!
SHARK Nope.
BILLY(buzzes in) To tell each other apart. I mean — they all have the same faces.
SHARK Also no. The correct answer is: thermoregulation. Humans wear clothes mainly because temperature swings on land are much more extreme than in water. MacShark — you’re still in control. Your pick.
MACSHARK Let’s go with Science for 200.
SHARK And now — a video question from our chief star expert, the one and only Professor Pawstradamus.
Cut to PAWSTRADAMUS, dramatically backlit by stars.
PAWSTRADAMUS Greetings, you toothy travelers. Through storms and centuries, in the darkest of nights, the eyes of wanderers turned to the sky — not for prophecy… but for a star. Tell me, why did ancient sailors track the position of the North Star?
JAWBEARD(buzzes in) By a thousand sea devils — I know this one! Because it doesn’t move and always points north! ARRR!
SHARK Correct!
JAWBEARD Give me the last one — Pets for 400! ARRR!
SHARK Here’s your question: Which pets are the most popular animals on the internet?
MACSHARK(buzzes in) Obviously dogs!
SHARK Unfortunately… that’s not correct.
The sharks glance at each other in silence.
BILLY I dunno… I only watch Puppy Jay online.
JAWBEARD Aye. He’s the only land creature worth streaming. ARRR!
SHARK Respectable choices — but still not the right answer. And the correct answer is… cats. Yep. I’m just as outraged as you are. So if you, like me, believe that Puppy Jay deserves to be the most popular pet on the internet — share this show with your friends and don’t forget to leave a comment! Alright, back to the game. The situation is… not great. But everything can change — because the final question is worth 1,000 points! Uh… what’s going on? Is it just me, or are we getting… hacked?
11:37Dinanimus Drops In
DINANIMUS My name is Dinanimus. I’m the most wanted hacker in the world. Don’t try to trace me. You won’t succeed. Dear sharks… I heard you’ve all been watching Puppy Jay. So here’s your final question — and perhaps the most important one: What’s the best way to support his show, Sunday Puppy Jay?
JAWBEARD ARRR… That’d be Patreon, matey. This is creators support platform where ye choose a tier, any tier and support the show every month, like a loyal crewmate.
BILLY Yup. Tons of extra perks like ad-free episodes, a chat with Puppy Jay, and more. Even a few bucks can keep the lights on in the Sunday Puppy Jay studio.
MACSHARK Right now Puppy Jay’s trying to reach his next goal — a hundred new sponsors. Let’s help him get there. Without your support… this show can’t exist.
SHARK And that… is absolutely correct. Support Puppy Jay — the QR code’s on your screen and the link’s in the description! Thank you!
Dinanimus reappears on the glitching screen. Dramatic pause.
DINANIMUS Magnificent. Your love for Puppy Jay runs so deep… there can be no losers among you. I’m equalizing your scores. Brace yourself.
13:00Equalized!
All podiums flash — scores reset to 1000. Triumphant sting.
SHARK Okay, I did not see that coming. For the first time ever, we’re ending the game in a tie. And that means — all three swim away with the grand prize:
ALL THREE Yahoo!
SHARK The DeepSure Insurance Gold Card. Protection for everything including unexpected orca encounters, fishing net accidents, and yes — emotional burnout. That’s it for our Human Week edition of Jawpardy! Thanks for watching, supporting, and — well — not biting.
13:30Final Bark
JINGLE
PUPPY JAY Okay — I’m back in the studio! And for the record — I went out the front. Dignity: intact. Shark, you crushed it — as always. You’re a true friend, and I know I can count on you. Thank you. I need to go dry off before I catch a cold — but while I’m gone, send in videos of your pets to my email. They might be featured in the next episode! My name is Puppy Jay — and I’ll see you next Sunday!
14:05Fan Love
FINAL JINGLE
VIEWER #1 I love Puppy Jay!
VIEWER #2 I love Puppy Jay!
VIEWER #3 I love Puppy Jay!